Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Adoption
Today, I attended a conference all about adoption. The focus was on creating nurturing transitions for newborns. However, the information shared is useful for all age ranges. The keynote speaker is an author and has been working and teaching in the adoption field for decades. There was a lot of good information in her keynote address.
However, I was moved deeply by the stories shared in a panel discussion format. The panels were made of up adoptive parents, birth parents (including 2 birth fathers) who had placed a child up for adoption and included 3 adoptees-1 adult, 1 teenager and 1 ten year old. The adoptions had taken place between about 5 and 50 years ago. The speakers were of varying ages and ethnicities.
I really learned a lot, and am inspired to think about how I may help people involved in and/or considering adoption. One thing that I noticed is that adoption is a life long process. There are many layers of emotion to the decision and there is no adoption that takes place without issues of grief and loss. There is loss for the birth parents, the adopted person and the adoptive parents. There is loss for the extended family of both sets of parents. There is loss that is felt but "discouraged" and mostly hidden by birth fathers.
The stories and experiences were very different, all across the spectrum from open to semi-open and closed adoptions. Things have shifted in the way unplanned pregnancies and adoptions are "handled" in the past 50 years or so. Mostly for the better, it sounds like. Although, we still have a lot of room for improvement.
It was inspiring, emotional, moving and made me want to do better in my work. It also reinforced the importance of honoring the birth family of my own children that are joining my family via adoption.
I was especially moved by the stories of the birth fathers. I had the opportunity to have one of them join our table for lunch after the panel discussion. I was (all at once) impressed, dismayed, saddened, angered, encouraged and inspired by this man's heartfelt sharing of his experience. He had an ability to put words to an incredibly complex and painful experience, and on some small level, I was able to "get it" to maybe grasp just a little of what this had been like for him. I was angered by the way he was treated. I was dismayed by the depth of the pain that he still experiences over this loss that "happened" about 15 years ago. I was moved to tears by the fact that he had tattooed his daughter's name on his body so that he could have a visual reminder, an outward symbol of the daughter he "thinks about every 10 seconds, at least 100 times a day." Wow.
I was impressed by the teenager who sat between the woman who gave birth to her and the woman who adopted her, they were one big happy open adoption family. When the teen was asked how she handled nosy questions and comments from her friends, she responded "they can just get over it." She was stumped by us (the professionals in the audience) wanting to know how she handled this, or if her friends thought her family was weird. She said "this is normal to me, just the way it always has been." She did not think of herself or her family as different. She thought of it only as her family. Wow.
And there were many other stories, painful, inspiring, joyful, ever-changing. People are people and things change/evolve through the years. It sort of made me remember my philosophy that life is good AND bad, it's a big sticky mess at times, terribly painful, incredibly happy and everything in between. It is not all good or all bad. It is both, at the same time. The same appears to be true about adoption.
It also reinforced my belief that time alone is not an indicator of healing. I've always disagreed with the saying that "time heals all wounds." Time alone does not. It takes a bit of faith, a bit of work, a bit of grieving, a bit of being real and admitting when one needs help. And ALL of that takes time. It also takes forgiveness. Of self and of others.
I am thankful for all of these folks-for their willingness to talk about the hard stuff. To share their struggles and their triumphs. To be real. It is so enlightening, and inspires me to do better and to give thanks more freely.
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However, I was moved deeply by the stories shared in a panel discussion format. The panels were made of up adoptive parents, birth parents (including 2 birth fathers) who had placed a child up for adoption and included 3 adoptees-1 adult, 1 teenager and 1 ten year old. The adoptions had taken place between about 5 and 50 years ago. The speakers were of varying ages and ethnicities.
I really learned a lot, and am inspired to think about how I may help people involved in and/or considering adoption. One thing that I noticed is that adoption is a life long process. There are many layers of emotion to the decision and there is no adoption that takes place without issues of grief and loss. There is loss for the birth parents, the adopted person and the adoptive parents. There is loss for the extended family of both sets of parents. There is loss that is felt but "discouraged" and mostly hidden by birth fathers.
The stories and experiences were very different, all across the spectrum from open to semi-open and closed adoptions. Things have shifted in the way unplanned pregnancies and adoptions are "handled" in the past 50 years or so. Mostly for the better, it sounds like. Although, we still have a lot of room for improvement.
It was inspiring, emotional, moving and made me want to do better in my work. It also reinforced the importance of honoring the birth family of my own children that are joining my family via adoption.
I was especially moved by the stories of the birth fathers. I had the opportunity to have one of them join our table for lunch after the panel discussion. I was (all at once) impressed, dismayed, saddened, angered, encouraged and inspired by this man's heartfelt sharing of his experience. He had an ability to put words to an incredibly complex and painful experience, and on some small level, I was able to "get it" to maybe grasp just a little of what this had been like for him. I was angered by the way he was treated. I was dismayed by the depth of the pain that he still experiences over this loss that "happened" about 15 years ago. I was moved to tears by the fact that he had tattooed his daughter's name on his body so that he could have a visual reminder, an outward symbol of the daughter he "thinks about every 10 seconds, at least 100 times a day." Wow.
I was impressed by the teenager who sat between the woman who gave birth to her and the woman who adopted her, they were one big happy open adoption family. When the teen was asked how she handled nosy questions and comments from her friends, she responded "they can just get over it." She was stumped by us (the professionals in the audience) wanting to know how she handled this, or if her friends thought her family was weird. She said "this is normal to me, just the way it always has been." She did not think of herself or her family as different. She thought of it only as her family. Wow.
And there were many other stories, painful, inspiring, joyful, ever-changing. People are people and things change/evolve through the years. It sort of made me remember my philosophy that life is good AND bad, it's a big sticky mess at times, terribly painful, incredibly happy and everything in between. It is not all good or all bad. It is both, at the same time. The same appears to be true about adoption.
It also reinforced my belief that time alone is not an indicator of healing. I've always disagreed with the saying that "time heals all wounds." Time alone does not. It takes a bit of faith, a bit of work, a bit of grieving, a bit of being real and admitting when one needs help. And ALL of that takes time. It also takes forgiveness. Of self and of others.
I am thankful for all of these folks-for their willingness to talk about the hard stuff. To share their struggles and their triumphs. To be real. It is so enlightening, and inspires me to do better and to give thanks more freely.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Book Review-The Adoption Decision
Book Review by Lena Wright
www.ConnectionsWellnessCenter.com
September 22, 2008
I recently read The Adoption Decision by Laura Christianson. This is a book that I highly recommend for people considering adoption, those already in the process of adopting and even those who have already adopted.
The subtitle of the book is 15 Things You Want To Know Before Adopting, and Laura does a great job of using humor and real life stories to convey serious issues that need to be considered by prospective adoptive parents. I appreciated the author’s use of scripture and her decidedly Christian world view. It helped me to focus in on what is important to God. Most of the books about adoption I have discovered so far do not address the issues from a Christian perspective.
Mrs. Christianson includes a segment on ‘Adoption Lingo’ that is helpful for people just getting started in researching adoption. Her wealth of experience as an adoptive mom, educator and mentor are evident throughout the book. Laura also shares the stories of many different adoptive families and this adds a depth of experience-both positive and negative to the book. I think that Mrs. Christianson provides a realistic picture of adoption so that readers can go into the process with their eyes opened to some of the challenges. At the same time, I did not experience the book as discouraging or negative toward adoption. She managed to strike a healthy balance between the reality of adoption and the fantasy or naiveté that prospective adoptive parents may have at the beginning of the adoption process. The author does a good job of asking thought provoking questions and sharing real life experiences of adoptive families.
I found The Adoption Decision to be clear and concise, which makes for easy reading. Mrs. Christianson challenges many myths and offers multiple points of view. This book helped to stimulate discussion between my husband and I on many topics related to adoption. I liked that that author not only pointed out things I hadn’t thought of, but she also offered some solutions and ideas for how to handle different situations. She didn’t offer ‘pat’ answers or easy solutions, but she did get us thinking about situations we may encounter with our adopted children. This will allow us to devise our own strategies for dealing with the challenges that we encounter as an adoptive family.
The Adoption Decision also included discussion/reflection questions and a good list of resources. I found this book to be highly useful, user friendly and thoughtfully written. I believe it will be a valued resource as we continue on this Adoption Adventure! I highly recommend The Adoption Decision.
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