Helping teens deal with grief....

In my counseling practice, I do not work with teens or children. However, because I have been impacted by the suicide of others in the past, I wanted to make some information available to parents and other caretakers helping their teens deal with the suicide of another person.

First and foremost, pray.

Be as honest with your child as possible, in an age appropriate way. While they do not need to know every single detail, do be honest and provide as much information as you can. Use the words "death, died".

Pray.

Do not be afraid to let your teen know that you don't have all the answers and that you are grieving too. Remind them that God is still in control, no matter what is going on in the world or how we feel at any given moment.

Pray.

Suicide leaves so many unanswered questions, and we always want to know why. In most cases, we never really know why. Help your child understand this by saying it.

Pray.

Just be with your teen. Your presence matters.

Pray.

Pray for your teen and ask God to give you the words to say, and also the wisdom to know when to just be there and stay quiet. You will want to "do something" to make it all better for your child. You cannot. Your job is to help guide them through the emotional ups and downs that grieving brings.

Expect your teen to be up and down and all over the place, emotionally. They need you to be as stable as possible during this time-even though you may be going through your own grief process. Reassure them that you and God will take care of them.

Make sure you take some time for yourself-prayer, time with friends, reading your bible, whatever recharges you so that you can fully be there for your teen as much as possible. Don't try to be superhuman or overly "strong". Be real and open.

Listen. With not only your ears, but your eyes and heart too. Observe them and identify the feelings you think they are experiencing. Part of parenting includes building our children's vocabulary for feelings and emotions. Don't tell them how they are feeling, but ask....using what you "hear". for example "You seem a little sad." "I might feel angry if that happened to me." "you look a little stressed out/worried." and so on. Most kids don't have words to describe their emotional experiences. Help give them words.

Also, don't forget the physical manifestations of our emotions: shaking or trembling, racing heart, sweating, headaches, stomach aches etc. If you notice any of these, let your kids know it's normal and part of our bodies response to our emotional state.

Depending on their personality-encourage the expression of emotion via journaling, art, physical exercise, music, sad movies, letter writing and so on.

Allow your teen to gather with other friends who knew and cared about the person who died. Stay nearby to answer questions and intervene (hand out tissues, check on them, offer a glass of water etc) as needed.

Grief is a journey, a cycle, with some defined stages. You can read about that here. However, we do not move through the stages in a linear fashion, one after the other. Grief is much messier than that. Expect to be back and forth for some time.

Talk to your children about suicide and what it means....

• that it is a permanent solution to temporary problems
• that it hurts so many people that love and care for the person
• that no one is immune from feelings of wanting to die, but it usually passes after the frustration of the moment passes. Tell your teen if they feel like this, they must talk about it to someone.
• feelings change, they come and go like the tide, the waves in the ocean. Feelings will not kill us. feelings are God given-God got angry and Jesus wept, so God can handle ANY feelings we have.

As to the questions about what happens after a person dies by suicide, my answer (and my belief) is that we never really know what is happening in a persons heart at that moment. It is between God and the person. It is not helpful to tell grieving teens that suicide is a sin even though it is taking a human life.

What I believe about suicide and depression is that no one is immune from those feelings. Sometimes, life is hard and overwhelming. I believe that Satan is on the prowl looking for people to attack and we are all in danger when we isolate ourselves. That's when we are more susceptible to believing the father of lies. So no matter what feelings you or your teen are experiencing, find an adult you trust to talk with them about. God created us to be in relationships, in community with one another. It is for our own good.

You know your child. Watch for persistent long term changes in his/her personality. Do not be afraid to talk to you teen directly about death, and specifically about suicide. Asking them about it will not plant the idea in their heads.

There's a great article here about helping grieving teens.

I will work on gathering some local resources: groups, counselors, hot-lines etc.

Praying for you all.